The grass is always greener on the other side

I'm almost 28. Time to start looking forward. Loving with my whole heart. Planning what comes next for me. I know some things that I didn't know last year. I know that you need to be able to count on yourself (because that determines all other relationships). I know that I brought beauty to things in my life in Holland (my house, perhaps even my marriage?), so I can bring beauty to other things in the future. In the life that I create. In the life that I want to live. Life is moving so fast these days. I can choose. And I will. 

I am facing forward from this point on. 

It's a love story, baby just say "yes"

The end of a very long year is tomorrow. I must say that I am elated. And so very hopeful that next year will be better. For a lot of reasons, I am certain it will be. I have already gone through the worst of it- I can only go up from here! The shock of a new life has already started to calm down, and all of that heartache is slowly (very slowly) growing dull. I couldn't even begin to list all of the things that I have done this year, but the highlights are as follows:

*I started off the year with a fallen-down ceiling in a 150 year old house. I didn't know it at the time... but that is when things started to "fall apart"
* an impulse trip to England turned into a trip to California- and my whole life changed- just like that.
* I lost 25 pounds this year
* I became a flight attendant, which afforded a "rock star" lifestlye that helped me leap head-first into what I am fondly referring to as my "summer of debauchery"
* I went to Las Vegas 5 times this year
* I flew back to Holland for the last time. I packed up my life. I let it all go- including two houses, a mean husband, and a cat that was more like a son to me than just a pet...
* I lived in San Francisco in a house with a quirky cop and two other flight attendants. Parties abound
* I traveled everywhere! Seattle, Chicago, Tulsa, Phoenix, Salt Lake, San Diego, LA, etc etc etc...
* I dated a LOT of different men. And most of them were frogs, not princes!
* I met a man who treats me so well that he swept me off of my feet... a most unexpected development!!!!

So here I am. On the Eve of New Year's Eve. A bit wiser, far more humble, far more gentle, more used to sadness than I ever wished to be, more near a life of poverty than I ever saw myself-- and yet I have this treasure. I have a tiny glowing ember of hope. Hope that all of my past experiences have brought me to a place where I won't take joy for granted. Hope that I won't let any moments pass where the old grace would have been paralyzed by fear, the new grace has nothing to lose. With a loss of everything comes a new sense of fearlessness. And that is priceless. And for the first time in my entire adult life- I can choose to do whatever I wish. I don't answer to anyone. As Justin (my dear, sweet new love) most aptly puts it: there is no police. I am my own boss! What a thrilling feeling.

What will 2009 hold for the new Grace? Well, there are some immediate things to look forward to. I am moving back to San Diego in January. Justin and I are working together all over the West Coast. We are traveling to Costa Rica in January. Dubai in March. Argentina this summer. Tokyo in October.... and unlike years past, these are PLANNED trips! With set dates and even tickets. Oh, how I love Justin. And I am starting to plan my future. What sort of career do I want? Where in the world do I want to live? I am so excited that I get butterflies in my stomach.

Bring on 2009! The best is yet to come!!!!!

Baby, It's Cold Outside!!!!

Rock and Roll my Little Girl

Sometimes you just need to return to where you feel the most safe. And sometimes you just need to see things spelled out before you in black-and-white. I haven't blogged in ages because (for the first time ever) I was afraid of how others would be affected by what they read. Well that ends now. I blog for me- and this year has been the hardest year of my life. I need to see some things in front of me. So here goes...

Everything that I have lost, I will have again.

That is so important that it needs to be written twice!

Everything that I have lost, I will have again....
(maybe even better, next time!)

I am waiting to see what is on the other side of all of this. What is under my grief? What will I find once I have peeled back all of the ashes of my old identity and washed the surface clean? Will I like the person that I see? Will I even recognize myself?

I am struggling to figure out what I want. For so long, my happiness was confined to things I could do within the limited scope of a failing marriage. To dream of distant lands, tropic vacations, and loving relationships seemed like a form of masochism. Now- without the one who was the foundation of my old life... what is to stop me from floating away? Well, my own fears, for a start. My deep, unending, long-lasting sadness. The fact that I have no idea what I want to do with my life- even now! Even after this fight is over!

I am going to come right out and say it: there are some aspects of my divorce that I can't accept. I am TRYING to accept that I might never understand the big "WHY's", but the reality is that they goad me. The particulars are unimportant. Let's just say that I have been left far from whole by the rejection that has resulted in divorce this year. How do you move past unanswered "why's" and find acceptance? How? Somebody tell me how! That is where I am stuck. And I know in the depths of my soul that I did everything I could have done to save us. I really did. But I still feel like a big failure and I wonder... I wonder why I am incapable of hating him. Even with all of his. Even with his haughty "please move on"... which I know was said with an intention to wound? I know that the reality is that he LET me go, and didn't come after me, or try- because he didn't WANT to. There it is. He let me go because I wasn't worth it. Not to him. What a tremendous blow to overcome! I am not being melodramatic. It really is.

Well, I think I can't hate him, because I can't hate. Too much of a bad feeling, even for me. This year has been a humbling one. I have learned to be grateful for any bit of joy you get, and not to take any of it for granted. I have learned that your life can change so quickly. I have learned that you can't know how magnificent it is to be on the highest mountain if you haven't been in the darkest valley. Just how dark that valley was going to be... well, that's the part I didn't know until now. It has turned out to be more like an abyss.

So my questions continue! What can I do to ensure that I am able to enter my new relationship (yes... am I insane? A new relationship) without it being ruined by the hurt from my old relationship? I wish that they cancelled each other out. That new love could just replace old love and that could be that. No mess. No sad. Unfortunately- as I am still learning, you can be intensely in love and greiving for a lost love at the same time. And it is hell.

My new love- this man that I think I dreamed into life... is everything that I never even in my wildest dreams thought I could have. He is thoughtful. He is gentle and kind. He is enthusiastic, a "people person", an optimist, a dreamer, a poet... do you see where I am going with this? He is incredibly masculine in all of the traditional ways (even had a full college scholarship for football!)- but he is also so so much more. He remembers things. He is sentimental. He gives me presents. He likes theme parties! He is an amazing cook! He travels! Here is an example of the sort of guy I am dating:

Two weeks ago he came to visit me in San Francisco. I had to work, so he came to pick me up and take me to lunch. When he walked to my desk, he took out a tiny christmas snowglobe from his pocket and said "there. now your desk is christmassy and you have something to look at- inside the snowglobe is us in Chicago!"... the snow globe housed two tiny snowmen, a man and a woman- holding hands. He is so fun with stuff like that. And it is all the time. He gave me a key to his condo with a keychain that he bought in Atlanta of a peach- a souvenier he bought when we went to Atlanta together. He brings me coffee and knows how I like it. He makes me laugh. He loves an adventure! He scoops me up in his arms and whisks me away... Life is so much better with him in it. I feel so loved. So special.

This man deserves a woman who will love him with their whole being. He deserves it ALL. I am trying to be open to this new love and give it the fighting chance it deserves. I am trying not to listen to the voice in my head that says "your last relationship ended because he stopped loving you". I am trying with all my soul to not be a cynic and let my fear of the love ending keep it from truly beginning. So this is where I am. Swaying back and forth... a pendulum of love and grief. Swing! swing! swing!

One day I will truly let him go. One day (hopefully soon) I will walk outside... lift up my arms... breathe out... and release him. And then! then days and days, no- weeks will go by where I do not think of him. Joy will replace pain.

Everything that I have lost, I will have again.

Virgins!

our love was comfortable and so broken in

I wonder if he ever misses me. God, I miss so much. I miss waking up next to him every day. I miss reaching out in the dead of night to feel him sleeping beside me. Such a comfort in that. It grounded me. It made me secure and made me who I am.

I miss overhearing him having a "conversation" with our kitty in the bathroom before I had fully woken up. I miss him getting ready for work in the morning with me sleeping around the commotion.

I miss the jingle of his belt buckle. It used to annoy me beyond belief, and now I miss it so much that my heart hurts.

He came home every night. Up until near the end, he always answered the phone when it rang, and he always wanted to talk to me. This is HUGE. I had no idea how huge this is.

These are such small things. I guess I have been interacting lately with a lot of divorced women who say things like this:

"he was an asshole and I hate him"

"he was bad news and I regret everything"

"I was so stupid to have married him"

you know what? I will never feel this way about James. If he showed up tomorrow with a smile and a bit of love I would move mountains to be with him. I regret nothing. He was never bad. I will only look on our marriage as a time when I was professionally stagnant but really loved. And god, I loved him.

Am I ever going to reach a stage where I think I'm better off? I hope it's coming, because right now all that I want to do is cry. 

and when I'm gone you don't seem to miss me

I had a man actively- ACTIVELY pursue me tonight. A MARRIED man. A father! A successful, non-assuming, regular and "average joe" type of man. It seriously broke my heart. 

I never, ever even thought about other men when I was with James. He satisfied me and made me happy, and all that I wanted to do was please him. I never even picked up on men trying to hit on me.. i was oblivious.

I told the man who indecently proposed himself to me that if James had ever said the kind of things he did tonight to another woman while still married to me- that my heart would have shattered into a million pieces. The scum bag trying to talk to me tried to act like his intentions to take me to a "tiny little italian place" he knows - and "maybe kiss me" were perfectly moral within the scope of married manhood. So awful. I almost threw up. 

I really hope that James never behaved in this way. I really am so thankful that I was spared the knowledge if he did. I couldn't have handled it. I mean, I fully understand the male desire to "chase" and "hunt" the female- but seriously??? This man tonight was a fool.

I've had the real thing. I'm never going to settle for being someone's "bit on the side".

Keep looking, asshole.

You cut me open and I keep bleeding love

I keep going through these periods of elation, followed by self-doubt and then a sharp pain in my chest that life as I knew it will never be the same. For most of my adult life, I have been married to a man that I loved- worshipped, even- and who I thought loved me. Now I am learning the life we were living was really just HIS life. I was just a little aspect in his world. I was never his world. 

Someday, I would like to get to the place where all that I feel when I think of him is love and kindness- and a sincere gratitude for all that being with him gave me. I would love for my chest not to constrict and my eyes not to well up at the thought of the deep rejection and heartache he has caused. I would love to be able to hear from him, and have it not ruin my whole day. I would like to get to a point where I can control my heartbreak... where I can manage it. 

I don't see us ever re-connecting. I don't see our lives coming together like they used to so beautifully. I don't see him ever being sorry- or grieving for the loss of me and what I gave to him. I see more strife. More suffering. More meanness. He is seeing other people. I am not being hypocritical- I am as well... but I always compare them to him.

Will I always put other men against the measuring stick of James? Will anyone ever measure up? 

My deepest regret is that I don't have any regrets. There is nothing I didn't try. I gave it everything I had, and I couldn't save us. I stayed too long. He was able to take me for granted and disrespect me because I let him. Losing myself is what I am most sorry for.